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Many parents believe that their purpose is to teach moral correctness to their children by making them conform in rigid obedience to a strict set of rules and laws.   They impose overly controlling rules and restrictions upon older maturing children, and prohibit them from experiencing many of the opportunities that other older children enjoy, falsely believing that such rigid control is “what’s best” for even their older trustworthy children.  Often, those older children do not see it that way.  To them, such control translates into distrust and unwarranted parental intrusion.  They either rebel outright, causing their parents to believe they were NOT trustworthy to begin with, or they bide their time and do it quietly later.  Those who do manage to develop their own relationship with God in spite of their over-controlling parents often suffer in other ways, such as in their social development, and the loss they feel may follow them the rest of their lives.

Far too often, older children see overly controlling parental interference as resembling a siege upon an enemy castle rather than the training and nurturing it was meant to be.  I do not believe that the scripture “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6)” was intended to create hand-to-hand combat between parents and children.  Let’s not forget that the Bible also teaches, “Provoke not your children to wrath (Ephesians 6:4).”  There is a right way and a wrong way to train children.

“He must increase, but I must decrease”

To gain understanding into how we as parents should bring up our children, let’s look to the example of John the Baptist.

Matthew 3:1-3 KJV

1 In those days came John the Baptist, preaching in the wilderness of Judaea,

2 And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

3 For this is he that was spoken of by the prophet Esaias, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.

John 1:29 KJV

The next day John seeth Jesus coming unto him, and saith, Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.

John the Baptist understood that his purpose was 1) to prepare the way of the Lord and 2) to introduce people to Christ.  As Christian parents, this must also be our goal.  The preparation of our children should not be to make them look good but to prepare them for God.   Also, it is our job to introduce them to Jesus.  And there’s more.

John 1:20 KJV

And he [John the Baptist] confessed, and denied not; but confessed, I am not the Christ.

Far too often, some parents forget this important fact: they are not God.  Instead of preparing their children for Christ, they take the place of Christ.  Except the Christ they model seems more like the taskmasters of Egypt than the Savior who gave Himself for us.  Whether their parents created such an environment intentionally or unintentionally, children who grow up in such an environment often grow into adults who blame, and therefore hate, God.  At the very least, they often decide He is not the kind of God they want to continue serving on their own.

John 3:30 KJV

He [Jesus] must increase, but I [John the Baptist] must decrease.

As Jesus’ authority begins to grow in our children’s lives and they begin to submit to Him, there must be a corresponding and proportional diminishing of our authority and control.  Children must learn that our authority as parents does not supercede the authority of the Lord.   As they grow older and more mature, they must be allowed to trust God and to fail just like we do.  This will build spiritual confidence and maturity in them.

Too often, children are not allowed to make even small choices, much less the more important ones.  Their environment sometimes resembles a military academy or, worse yet, prison, where parents work to control and manipulate their children right up until the time they leave home.  Then they wonder why their children cast aside their values as though they were chains.  Such children have never learned what serving Christ is all about, or even who He really is.  All because their (possibly well-meaning) parents placed their own laws above teaching their children how to develop a relationship with the LORD.

Jude 20-21 KJV

20 But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost,

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

Set aside for a moment the fact that we are parents, and consider what it is to have a Christian life.  Did it come about because of the rules that were imposed upon us?  Jude tells us to keep ourselves in God’s love.  For a Christian, it is our love for God that limits us and constrains us (i.e., God’s love), not laws and commandments.  We enjoy our Christian life.  We enjoy serving God.  We do so because of the love relationship we have with God.  So why do we attempt to give our children anything different? Why do we attempt to superimpose the “way” in which we love God (the form we use) onto our children?  This is where we find religion instead of a relationship.  We inadvertently show our children that Christianity is merely a bunch of traditions and customs.  We say with our mouths that we want them to develop a relationship, but we only model religion.

Am I suggesting that we allow our children to do as they will?  Not at all.

Luke 3:10-14 KJV

10 And the people asked him, saying, What shall we do then?

11 He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise.

12 Then came also publicans to be baptized, and said unto him, Master, what shall we do?

13 And he said unto them, Exact no more than that which is appointed you.

14 And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely; and be content with your wages.

As part of preparing people to meet Christ, John imposed a structure for them to live by, giving examples of godly living.  This was not nearly as comprehensive as the law Jesus taught, and it wasn’t meant to be.  As parents we ought also to create a structure for our children.  This structure should not be as comprehensive as the one we live by because we know Christ and are living under His authority.  This structure should only be present in the areas of our children’s lives that allow sinful behavior, or where it is necessary.  For instance, if a child has a tendency not to clean his room, rules might be required to address that problem.  But why create a rule when it is not needed?   Rules should be used to build discipline, maturity, and character.  We should not create them just to make them look like us.   And rules should never be used for control or manipulation.  Children see through this form of exploitation, and it creates rebellion.  This structure must be presented as a set of values to live by, a moral code of decency that teaches our children self-respect and respect for others, chivalry, modesty, and kindness.   Children must understand that this is about right and wrong, not a way to gain salvation.  Neglecting our values will not condemn them to hell any more than keeping them will send them to heaven.  It just makes them a better person, which is something they can be proud of just as can be proud of their academic achievements.

Children must also see our joy in serving God, and understand that this joy is theirs also for the taking.  Children must have a sense of their own destiny, knowing that we as parents are there to help them succeed.   Otherwise, they will perceive Christianity as nothing more than a façade, a veneer they put on when other Christians are near.

By following the example of John, our authority in their lives slowly diminishes to the point where by the time they leave home, they are listening to the Lord and deciding for themselves what they will do.  Unless a child reads God’s Word and prays because they want to, they will not do so when they leave home.  They must come to believe for themselves that God, His Word, and prayer can help them, that it is not a burden that we must bear.

The Danger of Mandatory Compliance

We continually force our children to “do” right instead of helping them to “be” right.  We force them to follow our own convictions and then wonder why they grow up to be just as phony as we are.

Sometimes Christian parents get lost in rituals.  We become overly preoccupied with what our children are doing.  Are they reading the right material?  Are they dressed right?  Are they watching TV, playing video games, listen to foul music, and talking with bad friends?  As parents, we should be concerned with these things.  But if that is the extent of our concern, then perhaps we are missing the most important things: namely, how our children are developing spiritually, socially, and emotionally.  These things CANNOT be mandated to a child.  They can only be suppressed.   In other words, you cannot MAKE your child spiritual or socially balanced or emotionally mature.  Parents can, by their actions, suppress these areas of their children’s lives from developing.

Revelation 2:1-5 KJV

1 Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;

2 I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:

3 And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.

4 Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

5 Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

Here we find the danger of teaching our children structure rather than relationship.  This Church began out of a love relationship with Christ.  They were His bride, and they loved Him.  But somewhere along the way, they came to believe that it was what they did that pleased Him.  Jesus commends them for all that they have done, but He tells them that they have “fallen” and are in need of repentance.

We face the real danger of creating children like the church of Ephesus.  They do everything right but they have no love and passion for God.   They misconstrue their “rightness” as relationship and then wonder why God is not active in their lives.   They grow up to become pastors and leaders who create more churches like Ephesus, churches that do everything right but lack the power of God.   It’s our fault.  We create children in our image (instead of God’s), and they in turn create churches just like us.  After all, isn’t that what they have been taught?   And we wonder where we went wrong.

Finding Your Faith

Judges 13:2-5, 24 KJV

2 And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.

3 And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

4 Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing:

5 For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no rasor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

24 And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.

The life of Sampson is a sad story.  It is a story about a family that sounds strangely familiar to many godly families today.  It is a story about parents who honestly loved God and wanted to do right with their children and a child who was raised in a godly manner but grew up confused about who God is and what He wants from us.

Samson was born of parents who were dedicated to the LORD.  They, in turn, dedicated Samson to God.  They raised Sampson as they were instructed: as a Nazarite.  It’s important to remember that God never gave these instructions to Sampson.  The way he was brought up wasn’t his choice: his parents made his choices for him.  So, unlike his parents, he grew up following after a religion instead of God.  As time went along, he saw God’s blessing in his life and simply continued to serve God as he had been taught, not because God told him to.

Like Samson, many people have been raised by good dedicated Christian parents.  If you ask them whether they are saved, most would tell you they were saved when they were six years old.  If you ask them how it happened, they will probably tell you how they remember praying but they cannot remember much else. 

If you have experienced conversion, the reasons for your prayer and the circumstances surrounding it will be very clear in your mind.  You will remember dealing with sin in your life, exactly why you prayed, and you will remember the change in your life.  Simply going through the motions of a prayer because you believe that it is what you are supposed to do is not salvation.  It’s no more than what Samson did.  He simply did what was expected of him.

When Samson entered adulthood, he lived a very inconsistent life.  He was not the typical man of God, with a burning zeal for God and unwavering faith.  Instead, we find a man who paid little attention to God’s law other than that part in which his parents had raised him.

Judges 16:17-30 KJV

17 That he told her all his heart, and said unto her. There hath not come a rasor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

Many people have a twisted idea of what Christianity is all about.  They were taught by their parents and churches to live out certain behaviors and have come to believe that this way of living is “being a Christian.”

In the passage above, we find Samson telling Delilah from where his strength comes. It’s interesting here that Samson does not attribute his strength to God but to his hair and to his parents.  Such a description fits many people who attend church today.  They behave well, sing songs, dress and talk properly, all because that this is the way they were raised.  Many people have been raised in the routine of Christianity and, like Samson, they see their spiritual lives in everything they do.

Many are inwardly scared.  They would like to go forward for prayer or even be baptized, maybe for a second time.  But they are too concerned about what all their friends will think.  They would like to ask for help, but they are too afraid to ask. After all, no one else does.

Judges 16:18-21 KJV

18 And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.

19 And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.

20 And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.

21 But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

Samson lost the things of God he possessed because he placed so little value on them.  Many children who are raised in godly homes eventually cast aside the ways of their parents when they grow into adults.  This happens because they have never come to see their parents’ ways as anything more than routines.

Some children look forward to leaving home so they can escape the pressures of how they were raised.  They want to escape the emptiness they feel as they go through the motions of family devotions and prayer.  They want to escape the knowledge that they feel nothing in their hearts.  But what they fail to realize is that when they leave home, they take their hearts with them.  They may be able to escape the routines of their parents, but they cannot escape the emptiness in their hearts.

Since Samson’s faith was never something that he valued as his own, he eventually lost it.  He lost everything and found himself bound to a mill, grinding his life away.  He had no future and hope. 

But Samson didn’t just lose his parents’ faith.  Samson was made a mockery.  He was made a mockery to himself, a mockery to his family, a mockery to the people he loved, and a mockery to the God he thought he had outgrown.  And he lost the respect of everyone – even his friends.

You may think that if you can just get away from home and church, you can escape what’s eating away at your heart and find peace.  But Satan will not leave you alone until he has made a mockery of your life.  He not only wants to destroy you but your testimony as well.

Judges 16:22-30 KJV

22 Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven.

23 Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.

24 And when the people saw him, they praised their god: for they said, Our god hath delivered into our hands our enemy, and the destroyer of our country, which slew many of us.

25 And it came to pass, when their hearts were merry, that they said, Call for Samson, that he may make us sport. And they called for Samson out of the prison house; and he made them sport: and they set him between the pillars.

26 And Samson said unto the lad that held him by the hand, Suffer me that I may feel the pillars whereupon the house standeth, that I may lean upon them.

27 Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport.

28 And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.

29 And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left.

30 And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

At the end of Samson’s life, he finally lifted up his eyes and acknowledged God.  Samson found his faith.  Even though his hair was once again beginning to grow, he came to understand that it wasn’t really about his hair.  In the end, he realized that it wasn’t about his parents, his family devotions, or the routines that he followed his entire life.  It was about God, and true strength comes from God.  In the end, Sampson “called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray thee.”  He found His faith.

We must, like Samson, find the miracle of faith on our own.  Conversion is not a routine we learn from our parents or from Sunday School.  It’s a miracle that transforms our lives and fills us with lasting strength, and through it, we have strength to overcome the enemies of our faith.  Ultimately, when our children find their faith, they will NO longer look to us for approval.  They will find approval and fulfillment in God.  What, then, becomes our role?

Galatians 4:19 KJV

My little children, of whom I travail in birth again until Christ be formed in you.

Children must come to see all the attributes of Christ in us that we want in them.  In other words, they must be able to obtain forgiveness and second chances.  We must demonstrate the ability to forgive seventy times seven because our Lord is kind, forgiving, and full of love.  It is through love and forgiveness that they learn to see the Lord we serve.  We must treat our children with the same grace and mercy that we have found.  Far too often, this is not the case.  Far too often, we act as though the Lord we serve is a taskmaster: he cannot be pleased and is never satisfied with our best.  As a result, we treat our children the same way.

Conclusion

Some parents might conclude that sending their children to public school, allowing them to dress and act like the worst of this world, and allowing them to make ALL their own choices in life is right.  Not so.  When we do such things, we are allowing the world to do to them exactly what we are trying to avoid doing: force its will upon them.  We must use structure to limit (but not prohibit) the influences of this world by balancing our children’s environment.  There are ample Christian resources available (i.e., music, friendships, entertainment) to allow our children to mature emotionally and socially without sacrificing them to the gods of this world.

As John the Baptist was honored by Israel, our children should honor us.  We must use this honor to channel the honor to God.  As we see their affection for God begin to develop, we should take a step back and demonstrate our trust in them.  If we never allow them to make decisions on their own, they will never develop spiritually.  More than that, we should trust that Jesus is able to guide them.  Our role must transform from parent to advisor.

We must understand that there is more to them than just a spiritual being.  To be successful in life, they will need to develop their emotional and social beings as well.  Our job is to help them do that.  I use the word “help” because if it isn’t something that they undertake, then all we will have accomplished is to allow our children to create a veneer, a fake personality.   Many parents don’t see anything wrong with this behavior because they are phony also, and their religion is nothing more than a veneer.  Is that what you want?  Children who are raised this way see their parents as hypocrites and reject their parents’ form of Christianity as a result.  In order for our children to find the love relationship with God that we have (or should have), we must go beyond constraints and rules.   We must help them to prepare their lives for God and point them to Christ for their answers.   In doing so, we will have trained them up in the way they should go.